Jane's thoughts on...

...being, doing, having.

Or is it having, doing, being? That's the order that Jane assumed was logical, before she started reading a lot about life and happiness and change and...oh, well, you know. A lot about everything.

Jane assumed that she needed to HAVE a certain amount of things (money, job, possessions, rewarding relationship...you get the idea), in order to DO the things she wanted, in order to BE happy and fulfilled. Because that's how it goes, right? You have what you want to do what you want to be who you are. Yes, yes. Makes perfect sense.

Unless...you reconsider, as Jane did. Mind you, reconsidering doesn't mean instantly changing your philosophy. It's not easy to change what has been our standard operating procedure. Jane wobbles between embracing what she thinks is a VERY good attitude and hanging on to what served her well for years.

Or...did it? Did it really serve her well? Perhaps not.

Maybe, just maybe, it really does make for a more empowered self to BE happy, to allow for happiness and fulfillment without placing other conditions on them. To open up for beauty and peace and appreciation and happiness and...that's it. To be open to those things and to embrace those things and not wait until you have enough to invite them into your life. Jane realizes she can BE filled with all kinds of wonderfulness, all kinds of Jane-ness, and she can take joy right then and there, each and every day. Whew, boy. What is she waiting for?

After that, Jane realizes, she can DO what she loves simply because that makes sense. Getting all recharged with being makes doing a logical extension of the hum of positive energy. Jane found out that the more she embraces the BE, the more appealing the DO becomes. She thinks of this as creating a whirlwind of positivity around herself. That's what BEING (being fulfilled, being grateful, being kind to yourself, being a loving friend...being, being, being) does. And with that going on all around and inside, new things to DO (experiences, work, challenges) are drawn to the energy field. No, really. Jane realizes this sounds like woo-woo philosophy again but she will tell you right now, it's the real deal. If you stop dwelling on what you have and flip the equation around to work it from the inside out, you will find a very definite change in your life.

Having, doing, being means measuring your life by what you have first, and waiting for that goal to be achieved until you measure what you've done and who you are. Jane thinks that embracing who she is, and relishing that process, delighting in it, encouraging herself...and then doing what comes out of that process...is going to result in a lot more having than if she were to approach life the other way around. Keep in mind, Jane has no intention of casting her possessions to the wind and becoming the next Mother Teresa. But she is going to try to embrace a new philosophy and to celebrate her being.

She'll get back to you on how that's going.

See Jane clarify a point

Someone commented recently that Jane has done very well and has progressed through (translation: survived) the past seven months far better than they themselves did. Jane almost felt guilty about navigating a difficult time with at least some degree of aplomb. Almost.

The thing is, everyone is different. Now there's a startling revelation, yes? Jane's experience can't be measured up to any other and Jane's reactions can't be measured up to any other because Jane is Jane and has no need or desire to be anyone else. Jane's method of handling challenge and hurt and betrayal is just that...her method, based on what she realizes are her needs. How Jane approaches all of this doesn't mean she takes it lightly. It doesn't mean she wasn't deeply hurt and saddened.

Make no mistake, Jane has her moments. All in all she realizes that humor, even in the midst of hurt, works well for her. She realizes that allowing a moment, an hour, a day of grief and wallowing is good and is even important. She's not trying to push this all away and pretend it didn't happen. It DID happen and Jane is never going to forget that. But the only way to pick yourself up after a crushing blow is to...do it. Pick yourself up. A little at a time and with plenty of self-indulgence when it's needed. But the goal is up and the only way to achieve that goal is to stand and move forward.

Jane has sad days. Very sad days where she pulls on her red USMC sweatshirt (because it's cuddly and makes her feel empowered...which is a rare and valuable combination) and makes a cup of tea and finds something cheerful to read. Preferably something about people who find an amazing love that lasts. And she sighs a lot. And she maybe eats a snack that is more designed to be comforting than nutritional. And she cuddles with the furry friends who always seem to sense her mood.

She does that for awhile but not forever. Once she's had the cocooning time she gets back up and considers her plan. Yes, it's really a plan. She writes things down. She picks new challenges. Some she likes, some she doesn't, but she's up and out there trying them anyway. And so it goes until she needs another bit of time in that sweatshirt.

The point of this blog is not to set Jane up as an example of how we all should be. The point is to offer a glimpse into how Jane is handling it all. And maybe to offer a bit of encouragement or a new idea or two along the way. The point is to show one woman's effort to get up after life delivered a smack down. If Jane's thoughts and actions, portrayed here, give a virtual hand to someone else who is struggling to stand, all the better.

Jane's one hand is extended to you, the reader. Her other hand is clasped warmly by whoever is helping her stand. Life, energy, love, kindness...it all is magnified by passing on whatever good you have to give.

Thank you for...

...turtles.

Jane read something about gratitude the other day. She's read quite a few things about gratitude because she is, in fact, reading an entire book about it. This might explain her current interest. Her enthusiasm, however, comes from experiencing it for herself.

One tidbit in the book offers the belief that if you are filled with gratitude you can't be filled with negative emotions. Not anger. Not bitterness. Not anything resembling "woe is me". You can't. There simply isn't room. Jane read that and read it again and thought it sounded nice, maybe, but who knew if it really applied.

Only one way to test it. Jane became her test subject. In the book, one person suggested singing a gratitude song. Something you make up and sing in privacy. Whatever tune suits you best, but the words are all about being thankful. This particular person sang her gratitude song in the car. That works well because people are often bobbing their heads and singing along with whatever is on the radio. Nobody thinks anything of it. Jane was going out for a long walk with her best buddy, which meant that the singing part was going to be done while walking along. In public.

Not a problem! jane didn't have to sing loudly, after all. She could be quite subtle about the whole thing. She set out with her best buddy and soon a thank you medley sung to something that might have remotely resembled a Broadway show tune was being whispered, cautiously at first and then with increasing gusto.

Her goal, Jane decided, was to keep up the thank you song for the entire walk. No distractions. No thoughts rambling in other directions. She wanted to see how she felt at the end of the experience.

Easy? Nope, not at all. You might think it would be easy to warble off a thank you with every pace but at some point you start looking around and naming anything that catches your fancy. Thank you for that bright and cheerful mailbox cover! Thank you for their wind chimes! Thank you for this big hill that requires huffing and puffing to climb!

Jane continued on her walk, but as she approached her home (and the end of her song) she realized she was running out of creative ideas. One last verse! One last line! One last thank you needed! Jane's pace increased. Her volume did, too. Jane's best buddy looked at her curiously but kept walking.

"Thank you for..." Jane paused. What? What! Thank you for WHAT!

"TURTLES!"

Arms flung wide, Jane came up with the last thank you of the walk...and then burst into laughter at her choice. Turtles? Really? Still laughing, Jane rounded the corner and marched to her own driveway. The thank you song had worked. There wasn't room for anything but gratitude and laughter in her and it felt wonderful.

And every day since then, if negative thoughts start to prevail, Jane thinks about being thankful for turtles and about singing that word out loud and about the startled expression on the face of the person driving by at the time and she laughs and feels thankful all over again.

Jane hopes that you look for...and find...your own turtles.

Jane listens, but follows her heart

When Jane found herself a member of the Sisterhood (being a discarded woman is a bonding experience) she wasn't sure what to do. There didn't seem to be any guidelines or terms of service that she had to read first. One day she wasn't in the club and the next day she was definitely in it. How confusing.

Even more confusing was the amount of input Jane got from other women in the Sisterhood. Or from women who had not been discarded but who were single again and who had plenty of experience to share. Watch out for this...be sure you do that...you will...he will...and then...whew. There were as many kinds of advice as there were flavors of ice cream at the favorite stand where Jane spent quite a few summer hours soothing her inner ice cream beast and listening to her friends.

What Jane realized is that it was all valid advice. Everyone gave their own input based on their own experience and each and every one of them had something important to say. Jane recognized that right away. But sitting there listening to it all was scary and overwhelming. She should do this. No, wait, she should do that. Or maybe both this AND that?

One friend, a member of the Sisterhood, was sitting beside Jane and must have noted the way Jane's head turned from person to person as the input swirled. Or maybe she saw Jane's increasingly crazed expression. Or maybe she just remembered how it was for her when...you know..."it" happened.

She didn't raise her voice to compete for air space. She simply nudged Jane lightly and offered a quiet tidbit.

"You're going to hear all kinds of advice, Jane. I know I did. Listen to it all, but in the end follow what your heart tells you to do."

Jane wants to say a hearty thanks to this friend. Best. Advice. Ever.

It's okay to get lots of different opinions. It's more than okay to hear the stories from others in the Sisterhood and from those who don't know exactly how it feels but do know some related things they want to share. It's helpful. It's beneficial. It's bonding. It's a very good way to learn more about your options.

In the end, though, there is only one person who can decide what is best for Jane. And that is...of course you know this one...Jane herself. All the listening and learning has to mix with Jane's own thoughts. Once that happens, Jane's heart gets involved and only then can conclusions be made.

How to handle it. What attitude to take. Where to turn for guidance. All of it, every bit, is up to Jane. Her heart ponders and ultimately shows her the way.

What Jane has found interesting is that some people will be almost indignant that she isn't following the same route as they did. But others are warmly and even wildly supportive of her choices. So it's a balance and one that works just fine for Jane. She might have come to this conclusion herself...let's hope so, at least. But hearing it from a friend in the midst of the initial pain and upset proved invaluable.

Listen to everything but follow your heart. Exactly so.

Jane wonders...what is the story you tell?

Jane read something that she thought was very interesting. At first she simply nodded to herself and agreed that it sounded like truth. Later, though, she thought of it again and actually started paying attention. That's when she realized that it didn't just sound like truth. It WAS truth.

We are the stories we tell about ourselves.

Simple statement. You might read it and agree that sure, we tell stories about ourselves and we are in those stories and so it's not a great leap to think that we are the stories. And then you might wonder why Jane is so taken with this statement. Maybe she did not have enough coffee and is feeling a bit muddled.

But, wait. Think about it again. We are the stories we tell about ourselves. Not "we are in the stories we tell" and not "we tell stories about ourselves". No, no, those statements have quite different meanings. This one, "we are the stories we tell about ourselves" goes deeper. It goes beyond telling what you did on your summer vacation or what happened at the grocery store. This statement is about how we define who we are and how we keep ourselves in that role. Sometimes it's deliberate but often it's become an unconscious habit or maybe an excuse or even a defense.

Since it's always easier and more comfortable to notice behaviors in others before we admit to them in ourselves, consider the people you know and what stories they tell. And then consider how often they tell those same stories. And finally, consider the reason.

Maybe you know someone who tells stories about how they mess things up. They can't do anything right! Why, listen to what happened last week or last month or last year. Listen to the stories of how they can't stop making mistakes.

Or maybe you know someone who tell stories about the great hurt they received in their life. This hurt was deep and it was significant and you know this and you listen to the stories with patience and kindness. But as time goes by and the years go by, you wonder when this person will put aside the stories of the great hurt and start to tell the stories of new adventures and maybe a new love.

Jane thinks about people she knows and she realizes that she knows their stories. She knows them very well. She has heard those stories again and again and she would be surprised to hear a different story. Delighted? Yes. Because Jane knows that hearing a different story would mean the story teller had moved beyond the security of the role...however negative...they had created and that they were ready to try on different roles and different stories.

That was the easy part. Now think about your own story and how you tell it and how you live it and how you even (this is the hard part) clutch it tightly to you because it's what you know. There's comfort in what you know, even when you do know, somewhere deep in your heart, that it's not a very productive kind of comfort. Think about that the next time you offer up a story about yourself.

Jane is thinking about her own stories. Is this the Jane she wants to be? The Jane who sits down with her friends at dinner and, if the conversation heads in a certain direction, tells the story they all know? Or does she want to reach out for different stories...the kind that make her friends lean forward, their eyes sparkling? The kind of story that makes them listen. Really listen. The kind of story that makes them learn something new about Jane.

The kind of story that makes Jane learn something new about herself.

We can be the stories we tell about ourselves. Or...we can tell stories of what we are thinking and dreaming. We can tell stories of what we are trying and experiencing.

We can tell stories of what we can be.

Jane offers kindness...to herself

In the end, only kindness matters.

Jane supposes that could be debated up one side and down the other because there are a lot of things that matter. But kindness is without a doubt one of them. It interests Jane that we often offer kindness to others far more readily than we offer it to ourselves. Why is that? Why are we so often so very negative towards our own tender selves?

If you listen honestly to your own words, you might be surprised and maybe even shocked that this is true. Jane guesses that most readers think they do okay by themselves. She would have included herself in that category as well. But a few days of careful listening taught her otherwise. Jane offers a quick smile, a warm hand and words of encouragement and support to people all around her. Bravo, Jane! But she slips far too easily into the habit of correcting herself. Belittling herself. Diminishing herself. Not much of a reason for bravo there.

Think about how good it feels to have friends or family or someone at work acknowledge our efforts and accomplishments or compliment something about us. It creates a little smile that can linger a good long while. What if we acknowledged and complimented our own selves? What if we took that a step further and encouraged our own dreams? What if...whew, boy, let's get radical here...we created such a flow of positive energy for ourselves that we felt all aglow? And what if that lasted longer than awhile? What if it lasted a lifetime?

Ohhhh, the possibilities! The amazing realm of possibilities when we are loved and supported by ourselves. Jane is a firm believer that there is nothing we can't do with that kind of nurturing. Now a thoughtful reader might wonder why she doesn't offer more kindness to herself if she's such a firm believer in it. Good point, thoughtful reader. You see, Jane knows this logically but still finds it a challenge. And since she fully intends to challenge you, the reader, to create an energy of positive kindness for yourself she will also accept the same challenge.

Jane does not intend to start this "someday". She intends to start this today. Yes, this very day, because Jane is starting a new year and wants very much to have a force field around her. As much as she appreciates the kindness she receives from her children and her friends, she knows that inner kindness has a different sort of strength. And she wants some of that.

Habits take approximately sixty-six days to become established. Jane looked up that information and was surprised because she had thought it was more like one month. Apparently not. In a month you might be fooled into thinking you have a new habit but you are still at risk for slipping back into your old ways. If you can do something for sixty-six days, you can do it for a year or five years or a lifetime. Well, alrighty then. Sixty-six days sounds like a lot, but it will still sound like a lot tomorrow or the next day or the next. Jane knows that the time to start is now.

Day one. Jane offers kindness to herself. It's not that she's been so especially hard on herself, but she realizes that this little bit of negativity or that sigh and shaking of her head over something she has done can add up. Jane wants other things to add up. She pictures each kindness she offers to herself as part of a glowing force field. It's an energy field of joy with sparkles of self-acceptance and encouragement and hopes and dreams and goals all shimmering together and every day the force field grows. It will surround Jane completely in...can you guess?

Sixty-six days.

One step forward

By now anyone who doesn't live under a rock has heard about the benefits of simple exercise. I doubt very many rock dwellers have missed the updates, either. But knowing is one thing and doing is another and sometimes there is a large gap between the two. A very large gap.

Jane admits to being someone who likes and craves exercise. She was the little girl who climbed trees and ran around the park until her mama made her come inside and wash her very dirty self and go to bed. As a teenager, Jane found comfort and inspiration in the woods and mountains that surrounded her home. And as a young mother she realized that fussy babies liked fresh air and adventures. The stroller got a lot of use.

But it wasn't until more recently that Jane explored what she thinks of as official exercise. As she approached midlife she decided that some midlife muscles might be dandy and so she got some dvds and some weights and did enough to notice a difference when she flexed...which, she admits, she did in front of the mirror quite often because it was all so new and impressive and empowering. That was what Jane noticed and appreciated the most. Being a woman of a certain age (ahem) and having a bit of a muscle thing going on made her feel absolutely, positively, no doubt about it terrific.

Hello. Wouldn't we all like a bit of that feeling?

After the Big Awful when her self-esteem got stomped and her life plan was scrambled, Jane cocooned for a bit in order to regroup. She kept getting fresh air and some exercise because her best buddy in the world needed his walks, but she didn't put in her dvds and she didn't lift her weights. She felt emotionally weighted, so that every movement was heavier and more demanding than ever before. That's normal, very very normal. But it can become a habit and a bad one at that, so after a couple weeks of cocooning Jane decided she had better get off her cocooned patootie and take charge. If she didn't, who would?

Nobody, that's who. You are the only one who can be responsible for your own self...unless you are a child, of course, but if that's the case you wouldn't be reading this blog.

Jane joined the local rec center. She considered some of the other gyms but felt that something smaller and cozier might be a better match. And she took a Zumba class and then a whole bunch of Zumba classes because it felt so good to wiggle and dance and sweat and move. And she took yoga (and has already expressed her views on that). And she's about to take a Body Pump class.

But here's the thing. Jane didn't start off prancing around in Zumba AND doing Body Pump AND walking her best buddy. One reason so many people are hearing the word about exercise but are stuck in that big gap between hearing and doing is that the doing part seems so overwhelming. Join a gym? But which one? And what about all the proper clothes you need if people are going to see you at the gym? And what shoes do you need? And when will you have time to actually get there? And what if people look at you? And what if they don't?

Yeah, yeah. Jane gets it. That's a lot of questions, especially for women of a certain age who really need to move and stretch and, yes, sweat (this is seriously good for your body and your mind) but who find the moving and stretching and sweating part hard to embrace. So don't start there. But don't let that keep you from starting anywhere.

Start with one step forward. Start by walking. Jane is not the only one who endorses this plan. Dr. Oz says it's the one simple thing people can do to maintain their health. Walking. Seriously? We all learned to do that way, way back. Surely we can put that knowledge to use now.

And here's the great part! You don't need special clothing. You do actually NEED clothing unless you are walking on a nude beach and Jane wants to immediately banish the mental image of that because she doesn't know you well enough to think about it. Regular walking, though? In a regular setting? You can wear whatever is comfortable and whatever you actually have in your closet. No need to wait for a trip to the store to get the "right" clothing. Put on a pair of sneakers that give you some support and plan out a nice little route and go. Yes, go. Just do it.

Jane suggests that you figure out how far you are walking and how long it takes. You will want to know this, even if the only person you tell is your reflection in the mirror. You will want to know that it took however long the first week and then the second week you realized that it took less time. And by the third week you might even decide to add some distance. And after a month you might find yourself looking for ways to bring your success into casual conversation.

Sometimes this is quite natural.
"Why, Jane, you look so good!"
"Thank you! I am walking two miles every morning!"

Sometimes it's not.
"Excuse me, do you know what aisle the canned tomatoes are on?"
"I believe they are on aisle ten. I was just there a minute ago, but because I am walking two miles every morning I got to this aisle much more quickly than I would have last month!"

Before you even think about the gym and special programs and classes, get yourself out into the fresh air and move a bit. Just a little bit. That first step forward takes you into a whole new world of health and strength and power. One step forward.

What are you waiting for? Jane is putting on her shoes now. Come join her.